The Kind of Upset You Don't Really See Coming

Do you sometimes feel tired, overwhelmed with emotions, in a pensive state of mind yet there's some sort of alertness that is just omnipresent?

I'm not sure how to describe this feeling, the somewhat calming thought that things are and will be falling into place. However, the sadness that some things will come to an end? Sometimes you've just got to ride with the feelings, I'm not sure if the acceptance of the uncertainty or soaking up the need for realization that things are changing is what makes me feel this way. 

In reality, everything is changing, there isn't anything that stays constant. Nothing lasts forever, the world keeps moving and sometimes, with the movement, the only constant is change.

I'm not neither do I pretend to be the wisest person though I'd like to acknowledge the existence of my emotions. It's been so long since I really felt, truly felt. I've been using my voice of reason to fend off hurt, uncertainty and the fear of the unknown. I've been going to therapy to heal my past hurts, things that I didn't know affected me but I needed to talk about it and work through it because these were all my demons that were keeping me unhappy and was keeping me in a perpetual state of fear.

I didn't know that I was scared. I didn't know I was trying so hard to please others, but at what cost? I didn't let myself feel and I was being so unfair to myself and in the process, I did hurt a few other people unintentionally. I'm learning to trust again, to let others in, to not have expectations, to not overthink, to not assume. It's liberating this feeling. I haven't felt this way before.

Safe. I haven't felt safe for a very long time and I would be lying to myself if I said I did. It was realising as well that it had been a long time since I felt safe. I was forced to feel, when I didn't and that brought out the worse in me and really, it was just because I was hurting and had no space or time to heal. I realise now that all I needed was time and space. I've never been happier being on my own, feeling content on my own. 

I'm truly content being on my own, allowing myself to heal, taking my time to feel, and letting life take it's course. I've even read 3 books within this month. I've got two more which I know I'll most probably finish by end of this month which I'm pretty excited about.

My midnight ramblings end here. I want to spread love and kindness. I pray that my heart is healed and I'm given the opportunity to love all.