The next steps..

As I've graduated from University and am moving onto real life issues, like searching for a job, travelling and realising who my true friends are, this past 2 months post moving back to Malaysia has been a real eye-opener. I realised that looking for a job is not the most important thing in the world. I don't have to have a job immediately after I graduate. I have learnt that my family will always be there for me, regardless of what I choose to do. I realised that I had to pause before I decided to move forward again. I also realised how some people who you consider as friends envy your achievements and somehow are proud of others' achievements but not yours. You discover that people you thought were close to you saw you as a competition and your happiness meant that they were unhappy. I also realised that "close" friends are also the ones that wish for you to be unsuccessful so that they can feel happy with their lives. 

In my life, I have never envied another person's success to the point that I wished they were unsuccessful. Sure, I have envied someone else's success by wishing that I could achieve the same, but never make their success a marker of my happiness. I understand that everyone has a path that they take and that success is different for everyone. I realise that sometimes we all face tough challenges and sometimes, we look through the outside and fail to see the struggles of others that they may go through internally. I have seen too many of this these days that sometimes I wonder what exactly drives someone to feel this way. When my friends achieve something, I feel so happy for them that they are doing really well for themselves, but how is it when you've been there for someone, they feel the need to envy you?

Be proud of me. Be happy for me. My success only means that I will share with you what is mine. Unfortunately, seeing some people only wish bad things for me in life is just disappointing when all I have ever given or wished for them is good things and happiness. I thought that throughout my life that if I don't do something before a certain time, then I will never be happy. But I'm realising that things happen at its own pace and we don't get to force things but just to go with the flow. 

At the same time however, I have rediscovered how friends from many years who I've treated as family, no matter how many years of not seeing each other, despite many missed birthdays and despite circumstance have wished me only good things and happiness. I have realised that sometimes, the people that care for you, no matter the distance, the time or the circumstance, will always wish good things for you. I realised how blessed I am to have so many people that still care for me and pray for me when the times get tough. I am so blessed to have people who support me, who spend time on me, who share what they have with me because of how much they love me. I never really stopped to look at things from a different perspective, because I saw the people around me, some moving to new countries, some getting a job, some getting married, some having children and I thought, "Oh, no, I'm running out of time".

Then I had a conversation with a few of my friends and realised that nothing really mattered and feelings don't really change and we will always make things work. I also noticed how people come and go in life but the real ones stayed. I sometimes feel a bit awkward to approach people because I am afraid that I might worry them, that I might make them feel like I worry too much about them, yes, I am afraid of how people would perceive my actions. But regardless, I also know that I worry too much about things that I cannot control. But these are my character flaws and I cannot change it. 

I have always used writing as a medium to help with organising my thoughts and feelings. But sometimes, it does get a little overwhelming to explain things in which I am putting it out there for people to read and get a glimpse into how I feel. 

Although throughout my life, now turning a quarter of a century in age, I'm starting to realise that we all make choices that we will regret or cherish, but where we are now is all because of the mistakes and the right choices we once made. I am happy with where I am now. I believe that as long as you never hurt anyone intentionally on the way, as long as you are honest, hardworking and you are resourceful, you will be happy. Regardless of my circumstance, I am happy, because I have nothing to worry about in life. 

I have been blessed with amazing people in my life, although I am not the type who have many friends, but the ones I have, I cherish. It's hard for me to have a connection with someone and usually, I'm much comfortable with someone who is a lot older than I am. But regardless, the few friends that I have, they are amazing. I may not keep in touch as often as I would like, but I definitely know who have been there when the going was tough. I know who had my back when I was sad. I know who helped me and supported me through difficult times. I also know who are the people who claimed they were my friend but either did nothing or mocked me behind my back. 

I think in life, as naive as it may sound, the most important thing is to listen to your heart, to never hurt a person and to always be kind to anyone. I have done so many things in my life on my own, but I never feel like it's enough. What I have, I owe it to the people around me, for without them, I would be nobody. So, to those reading, you know how you have helped me, or when we have communicated and regardless, whether you're a friend, a co-worker, a person I met once, or a couple of times, regardless if we spoke frequently or occasionally or even if we hardly speak these days, I know each and everyone of the stories and conversation we have had because I cherish them.

I remember how being at University, people thought I knew just about everyone, but up till this day, I remember every unique trait of everyone I have met and stories I've heard about them. Deep down, I'm still the 17 year old book worm who has her head down on the table, while reading a book, but still knows what everyone is doing in the room. I will never cease to be a nerd, a knowledge seeking, inquisitive nerd. But at the same time, I have come so far that I no longer am ashamed of the colour of my skin or the shape of my nose or my height or my waist size. I learnt to embrace myself when I was in the worst state of my depression because I learnt that there is nothing I can change. But at the same time, I got tired of feeling upset about it. 

When people look at me, they say I have an air of confidence, but the air of confidence comes from constantly being told I was not good enough. But I am. I am good enough for myself. There will never be another person like me. I recognise that I have flaws and good traits. I know that I can sometimes be too chatty, I know that sometimes, I hate losing a fight, but I've learnt to compromise, I have learnt to listen, I have learnt to accept criticism and I think that's a pretty damn good improvement. No, I'm not sorry for who I am. I am only apologetic for the times I have hurt someone's feelings whether intentionally or unintentionally. I am only sorry when I should have met expectations, but I fell short. I am only sorry for things that I could have and should have fulfilled and not looking at both sides of the story. 

But I'm no longer sorry if someone doesn't like me, or if they are envious of the life that I lead. I'm no longer sorry for being a tad bit too tanned, I'm not sorry that who I am as a person does not meet what you require from me. I cannot be someone's punching bag. I will support, but not be a doormat and that's something that everyone should know and learn: their limits. 

It's very easy to be there for someone when they need you, and to be grateful. But not everyone is raised the same way and people will take you for granted and you should learn when to say no and when to realise that enough is enough. I realised that University was just the beginning and when you graduate, there are more lessons you learn, from people and from the job searching journey. I realised how passion is important and why I should pursue it. I realised why consistency is important and no matter how much I feel I don't want to share something, I should, if it helps to educate someone. 

Life is a journey, for sure, I never realised why people say, it's too short, so learn to enjoy it. But now, I do and for every time I'm somewhere, for whatever it is I get to enjoy, I am thankful and I am happy even if I'm not where I want to be because I am where I am supposed to be and I'm enjoying the time I have with the people around me and that sure is special. I love everyone that I have been surrounded with recently. Everyone who have been kind and patient with me. Everyone that have made me laughed and all the hugs we have shared. All the places I have gone to and all the spectacular views I have enjoyed. And for all the amazing food I have eaten, my tummy loves you but my body just wants to get rid of you. 

So, friends and family, acquaintances and former colleagues. I ask you just one thing. 

Be grateful.

Be grateful for your friends, family, time, time spent with others, their achievements, your opportunities and most importantly the love you receive. Trust me because you'll never have another moment at the very same time you're having. So, be grateful. 

Thank you. Till my next post. xx