Reminisce

It's one of those days, where I'm suddenly having an epiphany, not that kind of life changing, ground shaking moments, but rather that calm realization, where you take in a deep breath, sigh and think to yourself, how could I have ever thought anything else. The kind of epiphany where it comes after you've beaten yourself up, cried yourself to sleep and blamed the whole world for all the things that has happened to you, and then it dawns on you that all that you had gone through was never a "it was meant to be" situation but more of a lesson to learn. 

You then think to yourself, how far have I gone? How far have I come? Am I focusing on the journey or am I focusing on the past? Am I regretting my decisions and thinking of the what could have been or what could be or am I accepting that the past was just as important as my future? No, that can't be right, the past cannot have any say in your future, it led you to the future, your present. Or could it be that your past is your future? But if you have a gruesome past, does it mean that is also how your future would look like? That can't be right. 

I used to think that I would be unwanted if I shared too much of myself. I was scared that the only part of me was my firsts, my first hug, my first of firsts and because of that I limited myself. 

I'd say my firsts were traumatic. It was hard to be with someone, it's harder to be with someone when the whole world was waiting for it all to end, they were vultures and I just didn't know it. I remember all the good memories and the bad memories, when it has been that long, I suppose it doesn't matter to you so you remember, it's never that warm, fuzzy feeling, only remembering the good times or the hope. It's that indifference, where it's too far in the past, you remember everything and can suddenly see things objectively and then you remember the mistakes and what you did and what they did and why it ended. I suppose it was just never meant to be. But then you couldn't be friends and you think to yourself if all connections end if it wasn't meant to be one type of love.

But then you go through life, and you meet your seconds and your thirds and maybe even your forth and you maintain the connections and you think why couldn't the first last? What was so wrong that the first couldn't last? But it doesn't really matter to you, but you still just think why because of all the ones you managed to salvaged, there was the one that you couldn't. You think then was that also the one you hurt the most or was hurt by themselves the most or did they hurt you the most, they can't face you? It's just too hard to say.

People belittle you, they make you feel so insignificant but what they don't know is that even without their help, you're already at an emotional low point. They didn't need to be mean, they didn't need to keep belittling you, they didn't need to make you feel less than you were but all those are insignificant. At the end of it all, it doesn't even matter because you know who you are and who they'll never be. 

I'm speaking in riddles because I don't even know what I want to say, I feel like I want to go back to the past and never have hurt him, but we loved in secrecy, and no one knows about it, every phone call, feels like a mistake like you're wasting his time, like you don't matter. You wish he'd come back and say to you that he missed you and he wants you back in your life but do you think it would go back to the old times? Do you need the conversations? Do you need to ramble on about yourself to someone else?

I need to be on my own, at least for a little while, stop attaching myself to someone because it's too unbearable to be lonely, to listen to the white noise, to be bored, to yearn for attention.